Chances are we’re going to see Barack Obama and John McCain tango for the U.S. presidency later this year. (Yawn.)

The primaries have been garnering a diaper-load of media coverage this year, but for all the wrong reasons. Both a woman and a black man are in the running for the Democratic ballot, and the media are treating it like a circus act.

While I’m glad that we’re finally looking outside of the white, middle-aged (or older) male demographic for a Commander-in-Chief, being reminded as much every time I turn on the news is less assuring. I’m even more discouraged by the vicious tactics Obama and Hillary Clinton are employing to secure the nomination.

The Republican side is equally unnerving. McCain has accepted the support of John Hagee, a known televangelist. Hagee doesn’t like abortion, homosexuality, or Harry Potter. McCain is aiming for the righteous crowd by putting Hagee in his corner. As a rule, I don’t trust televangelists, and consequently, I don’t trust McCain. Both fronts are using cheap tactics to steal office.

So what else is new? Politics are all cheap tactics. At 24 years old, I still avoid politics. I’m old enough now to be interested when I hear campaign updates on the radio, but I still don’t vote. When I was younger I didn’t give a bloody booger who nabbed the presidency. Now that I’m an adult manchild, I’m compelled to contribute to my nation’s future. I’m drawn to the ballot … but … like Robert Downey, Jr. to the allure of sweet drugs … I … must … refuse.

I refuse on the grounds that I have no idea who I’m voting for. As Dr. Gregory House famously said, “Everybody lies.” And people are especially prone to falsehoods when their two favorite things, money and power, are involved. Washington is worse than Hollywood, because at least I know to expect song and dance from the likes of Tom Cruise. When I’m deciding on the prez, and my candidates are hiring writers and consultants to tell them what will make the best impression, what am I really voting for? A leader or an Oscar-caliber performance?

I want to know who I’m voting for. Gone are the days when self-made men like Abe Lincoln could win office. Today’s candidates are a sum of their market research. It’s a game of which party, or which investors, does the best research on what Americans want to hear.

My solution? Let’s roll with the actors. Reagan and Ah-nold did it. This time, though, let’s go with actors we know we can’t trust: for if the president can’t act, then the president can’t lie. My nomination goes to Paris Hilton, who has proven time and time again she isn’t good at anything but spending money. Give her a good cabinet, but let her give the speeches. When she lies, we’ll know it, because she’ll do so horribly. No writer in the world can compensate for that tragic lack of talent.

Electing people based on their charisma has never been a good idea, but we do it anyway. McCain has that grizzled, no-nonsense Army guy thing going for him; Obama looks damned good for a man in his late 40s. If I were a woman, I’d have his babies. Rather than going for the hero, let’s vote in a zero. Until the parties in both parties can stop chasing victory and lead the nation to prosperity, I’d rather have someone predictable in power.

I’m down for Hilton/Lohan ’08. It’s a terrible idea, and I’d still refuse to vote, but at least I’d know what to expect. I’d prefer a combination of Robert Downey, Jr. and Anne Heche, but I’m thinking Oscars again.

Charles Smith is a native Southwest Virginian whose longtime apathy toward politics we can only hope is lessened by his affiliation with the New River Voice.