The deficit is big. When the deficit is big, the country is in bad shape. Those two statements sum up my knowledge of the danger our economy is currently facing. My expertise ranges from comic book continuity to notable Italian horror films of the 1980s; needless to say, this American knows very little about his homeland.

But then, might an article on the special tax rebate be a terrific topic for this lil column of mine? My thinking is, rather than tackling a topic I know something about, I’ll assault a topic that I’m flimsy on, a topic I’m sure that many of my fellow Americans-of-a-clueless-inclination are equally perplexed by.

So: this edition of “Charles Snarls” will focus on the current plan to provide more than 100 million people with free money. Hello! My name is Charles, and I’ll be your fool today.

Here’s the skinny on the big, bad rebate, as this fool knows it: Bush (that’d be our president) has signed legislation for between $300 and $1,200 to be awarded to taxpaying folk like you and me. Congress quickly passed the plan, which will cost us 168 billion smackers, in an effort to rescue our suffering economy.

In order to pull this feat off, we’re going to have to borrow more money from other countries, which means our deficit—the one we’re trying to decrease—is going to rise. I’m only the Voice’s resident jester, but I’m seeing a problem here. If the deficit is bad, and if the deficit rising is badder, then our borrowing money and knowingly allowing the deficit to pull a Superman is worser-est.

Ho, oh, wait! This fool is mistaken! When we Americans get our handouts from our suddenly philanthropic Uncle Sam, we’re going to rush out and spend it all on DVDs and home theater equipment! If roughly 150 million Americans buy DVDs and home theater equipment, the effect will give the economy a big snort of Colombian-grade cocaine. Of course! This isn’t a freebie—it’s a loan! We get money, and the economy soaks it back up. It’s foolproof!

However, this fool foresees a complication. If we’re in such sour financial shape that we aren’t spending enough money to keep the fat cats fat, what’s to say we won’t take the forthcoming handout and … I don’t know … pay the bills?

I don’t think this “rescue rebate” is a bad idea. No, I think it’s a terrifying idea. If our government has to hand us money to motivate us to spend it, then my spider-sense is tingling something fierce. Well, my spider-sense is tingling like Hugh Hefner’s fingertips, because the checks are practically in the mail.

I have no problem calling myself a fool, but when my government does it, I take offense. My chief concern with this madcap scheme is Uncle Sam’s assumption that every one of his nieces and nephews are cognitively handicapped. When so many of us are struggling to make ends meet, when housing costs have skyrocketed and interest rates are staggering, our leaders are banking on our poor impulse control to bail the nation out of a recession.

“Gee golly, kids! I know you all need food and shelter, but Mommy’s been eyeing this home theater equipment for months now! You can always eat Fluffy if your lil tummies get sore enough! Here—I’ll even show you how to turn on the stove!”

I’m an impetuous fool. I can’t stand on a high horse and say for sure that I won’t blow this wad o’ extra dough. I don’t need any home theater equipment, but I would love to buy the entire run of Married…with Children on DVD. But however much a cynic I may be, I refuse to believe that the majority of the U.S. population is as foolhardy and impulsive as I am. When it comes crunch time, I think people are going to buy food and pay on outstanding debts before they invest in the likes of Al Bundy.

I never thought I’d see the day when buying porn and cigarettes would be the best way of expressing patriotism. That’s what this rebate amounts to, I’m afraid: a handout to spoil ourselves on material goods. Too bad we’re not living in a time of financial stability, else we’d be in a position to enjoy such things.

Charles Smith is a native of Southwest Virginia who really knows nothing of economics. He’s never known what a widget is and he allows the Voice to pay him with our deepest and sincerest love.