When I was in the third grade, I intentionally glued my shoebox “mailbox” shut to reject those who tried to sway my Valentine’s Day moratorium with a stale piece of gum or a deformed heart-shaped lollipop. I will pass on Valentine’s Day, thank you.

I might also recommend that others take my stance. Those who are married or otherwise partnered have something to fear each Feb. 14. Scientists routinely report higher rates of verbal altercations and demands for divorces on and immediately following said “holiday.” Valentine’s Day has become a game of relationship roulette. Even when you win, in some cases you lose.

Enter any bookstore in February and you will find the self-help section crowded. Unpurchased books litter the shelves; their spines heavily bent from individuals trying to solve their relationship problems. Dr. Lindsey Hammond, a psychologist and researcher in Minnesota, said that “although the majority of American women have positive attitudes about self-help books, they don’t believe that they are entirely credible or efficacious sources of help.” Yet we routinely turn to self-help books believing that we will be able to change one behavior and ultimately change our expectations.

Expectations and beliefs have a great deal to do with how we respond to Valentine’s Day. In the human sexuality class I teach, we spend a great deal of time talking about the psychological expectations regarding our own relationships and those of others. As individuals, we are socialized from an early age regarding appropriate expectations for marriage and partnership. These messages may come from our family, peers, media, and religion.

Most people can quickly construct a list of relationship do’s and don’ts: no fighting in front of the kids or no sexual behavior before marriage. Besides rules, we also keep a mental image of how we expect our relationships to look. Perhaps it is the clichéd voluptuous blond temptress or maybe just a knight willing to do the dishes. Regardless of our expectations, some scholars believe that from an early age we create a complex rubric by which to evaluate our relationships.

Once we construct our expectations, we may evaluate our current and future relationships based on how closely our partners fit the mold in our head. People have to determine how to respond when the person to whom they are committed does not fit neatly into his or her image. Perhaps we have Valentine’s wishes of roses and romance only to be greeted with a six-pack and KFC. How we respond to realities that don’t match our fantasy says a great deal about our expectations and our feelings toward our partner. Some possible responses include changing our beliefs, ignoring the behavior, or leaving the relationship playing field. This holiday can be deadly in that it can be a reminder of our unfulfilled expectations about our relationships.

Expectations regarding relationships also play an enormous role in our level of relationship satisfaction. Individuals who have their relationship expectations met are more likely to say that they are satisfied in their relationship. Common sense tells us that satisfied people want to stay in satisfying relationships. Findings support this idea, with more satisfied couples working harder to maintain the relationship because their expectations are being met. One expectation that researchers and therapists have examined for some time is the role of fairness, equity, or give-and-take in relationships.

In one study, conducted as part of my own research, people were asked how fair they thought certain areas of their life were in comparison to other areas. For example, think about how fair childcare is in your relationship. Who spends greater time, money, or resources in raising the kid? Is it you or your partner? Perhaps time is spread evenly between the two. People were asked about other areas of their relationship including household chores and time spent earning money. They were then asked how satisfied they were with the relationship as a whole. Those with partners who help load the dishwasher may guess correctly the result: people who thought their relationships were fair were more likely to say they were satisfied and enjoyed their relationship.

More surprising were the results when people were asked about their sex lives. Fairness in the relationship, believing that you are getting what you deserve, could predict higher sexual satisfaction. That’s right. Read that sentence again. Individuals who felt that they were treated well and equitably in their relationship were more likely to have more sex and report that the sex was better. Here is the decisive factor: once you thought you were treated fairly, you tended to believe this—for a long time.

Better sex was associated with satisfied and fairly treated couples. Fairness in a relationship may encourage fidelity. Researchers in Minnesota found that people who felt like they were getting “ripped off” were more likely to contemplate having an affair. People who were treated fairly in relationships are less likely to get a divorce.

In addition to maintaining a relationship, fairness may affect our mental and physical health. Feeling as though you are in a fair and safe relationship where resources are equitable may keep you from calling in “sick” to work. A fair relationship may leave you feeling less irritable, angry, and depressed.

This is all common sense, right? We learned these lessons on the playground as a child—be nice to others, share your toys, and others will do the same. If this is common sense, then why doesn’t everyone do it?

It’s hard to say how relationships become unbalanced; perhaps it is a pattern of unmet expectations or expectations that change as we grow older. Hurts that we feel on the inside can influence how we perceive our relationships. Sadly, there is no clear answer on where these problems emerge or how to change responses. I can say, however, that no one day a year can change the unsatisfying feeling of the remaining 364. This year I propose that we take a mental-health day and reclaim our relationships. This year I suggest we by-pass Valentine’s Day, sugary sweets, divorce, and all.

Tracy Cohn is a professor of psychology at Radford University. He works with couples and individuals—happy or otherwise—in the New River Valley.