If I were to tell you that the secret to happiness could fit on a toothbrush, would you believe me? If I wrote a book explaining this secret, marketed it on late-night infomercials, and had Dr. Phil “Moneybags” McGraw endorse my campaign, would you shell out 30 bucks to learn my secret? I sure hope not, because if you’re willing to commit your hard-earned cash to a stranger promising you happiness, you’re not likely to stay afloat in today’s languid economy.

Self-help gurus are shadier than back-alley winos. A skid-row alcoholic will more often than not look, sound, and smell like an alcoholic. The stench of a self-help guru is rarely so obvious. When Wino Pete asks for money to support his family, it’s obvious to most that their money will be going to support the family of malt liquor bottles living in the back room of Pete’s cardboard palace.

The self-help champion is craftier. “Turn your life around today,” they say, “by memorizing a simple and life-altering set of mantras!” What the guru means is, “Give me $39.95 in three easy payments and I’ll take your money and buy myself an Escalade!”

Hogwash! To self-help products, I cry malarkey. The term self-help is a misnomer. Self-help suggests that one should help oneself. But self-help products are relics, no better than rabbits’  feet and dirty jockstraps. If you want to open the door to happiness, you need to have this, this, and this. Buy this book! Follow this schedule! Do it right and you’ll have a better life in no time! It worked for the author and for these five random people, and it’ll work for you, too!

The book that some credit as beginning the self-help madness, Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People, is ironically a good read. It’s a well-written plan to professional and personal success. And therein lies the problem: it’s a plan. What worked for Dale Carnegie, a self-made man, won’t necessarily work for Wino Pete. By simply reading Carnegie’s book, Pete won’t get a better life. He won’t even get better self-esteem. (Sorry, Pete.) Pete is still going to have to live Pete’s life. If he wants to kick that bourbon habit and buy some slacks, he’s going to have to do it himself.

The success of Carnegie’s book, which continues to sell aplenty even today, has resulted in an entire industry of self-help products. The people who write these books aren’t philanthropists, but clever capitalists. Any success they’ve made for themselves has been the result of their business savvy. They realize people want what they have and they market an approach that appeals to the average Joe to further add to their considerable fortunes.

Dr. John Gray, the writer of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, made it big explaining the differences between men and women. Dr. Gray, however, has questionable authority on the subject of his book. He received his doctorate from Columbia Pacific University, a now-defunct institution that was never accredited. The title of “doctor” was essentially purchased to make Gray’s product look more attractive to consumers.

Any relationships that have prospered because of Gray’s books have done so not because of the book’s content, but because of the reader’s commitment to improvement. The same is true of Dr. Phil McGraw and Rhonda Byrne. Byrne’s brainchild The Secret is among the latest self-help sensations. Has Byrne actually discovered the key to happiness? No, she’s assembled a plan that promotes positive thinking. Will reading Dr. Phil make your trauma fade into the background so you can live a happier life? No. Dr. Phil endorses eHarmony.com. Dr. Phil and his moustache like money and know how to get it.

On the first page of my copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People, the first two lines of text, large and in bold, read: “The More You Get out of This Book, the More You’ll Get out of Life!” It’s a hollow promise, but the first part of the statement has some truth to it. It’s not what the book says, but what you do. The magic to change isn’t in a book or on a five-disc CD series. The magic is in you and me and, yes, it’s even on your toothbrush.

If your toothbrush is within 20 feet of your toilet, then there’s a good chance your toothbrush has some fecal matter on its bristles. (That’s what medicalnewstoday.com says, anyway.) That fecal matter has more capacity for good than Dr. Phil, Richard Simmons, and Oprah combined. There are no keys to happiness, but we can get there, and we can do it without opening our wallets to self-help’s hungry hungry hippos. All you need is a positive attitude and a dirty toothbrush.

Charles Smith was born and bred in Southwest Virginia and currently radiates his positivity throughout the New River Valley.