There are four things in this world of which I am perpetually frightened: women who wear overalls; people out for an afternoon jog wearing improper jogging attire (e.g., hunting vests and Doc Marten boots); that crazy, radioactive Lunesta butterfly that inexplicably appears in my bedroom every night and lands on my head while I’m trying to sleep; and germs—any and all of them. The latter of which is the source of my unwavering obsessive compulsion.

For a while, I tried to deny this in a fashion tantamount to someone trying to deny the existence of the sun. Yet, I finally realized that convincing people that I’m not a “germaphobe” is like Stalin convincing the Russians he just enjoys a friendly bit of rough housing from time to time. Put it this way: Think of Howard Hughes, Monk, and Jack Nicholson’s character in As Good As It Gets. Compared to me, these guys might as well enjoy bathing in a public urinal with a foamy soap jar of rabies and the Ebola virus thrown in for good measure.

For me, watching a show like Dirty Jobs is like an agoraphobic watching Mallrats (or anyone watching Mallrats, I suppose). Oh, and just looking at Lindsey Lohan or Paris Hilton—hot or not, they just reek of contagion—makes me want to fly off to some deserted island and live in a bubble made of that metal comprising Wolverine’s claws from the movie X-Men.

And so, in the wake of changing temperatures and various “bugs” making rounds throughout the New River Valley, I’ve taken it upon myself to disseminate vital health safety tips based on my considerable expertise and empirical wisdom. Granted, I’m no doctor, but I’ve seen what one looks like. Besides, I used to play a character that played another character that played an actor filling in for another actor that played a doctor on television. So I’m clearly the next best thing.

First, let’s start with the basics. You should spend your time incessantly washing your hands like there is no tomorrow. (And if you don’t wash your hands, there will be no tomorrow.) Keep in mind, however, that this is only effective prior to mundane, everyday activities such as rubbing your eyes, removing naval lint, and breathing. Upon completion of said activities, you will unmistakably need to wash your hands again. Remember, you never know what you may have just given yourself. Before eating, it gets a little more complicated. Soap and water just simply aren’t enough to preclude germs from tainting your Hardee’s Thickburger. Therefore, it is compulsory that you always have handy a few extra sheets of sandpaper. Take one sheet (or two) and rub it profusely over your palms. Pay special attention to the fingertips. It’s not a bad idea to rub these puppies so raw that they’d be useless in a fingerprint match-up. Once your hands are the color of a fire engine (or even more preferably, bleeding), then and only then apply a small amount of hand sanitation gel. After that, you’re ready to make a full glutton of yourself! And later, should you come down with a cold or the flu anyway, contact an attorney and sue the sandpaper company.

Next, you want to make sure you’re dressed properly for the sickly, germ- infested public you’ll no doubt encounter in your daily travels. I recommend something form-fitting, yet comfortable, like a ninja suit. That way, all your gateway orifices are securely covered, plus you can move about town in stealth so that germs may miss you all together. Ninjas are often referred to as shadow knights for a reason.

At the end of the day, though, your ninja suit will be indubitably lathered with germs from the outside world. So, remember, the safest place in your home is the shower. For that matter, the more time you can spend in the shower, the better. In fact, if you can live and work from your shower, you might as well do just that. You may have to change your occupation to something like mold and mildew farmer or think tank leader, but is that too high a price to pay for your ensured good health?

If, however, like me, the paranoia bug (pun definitely intended) continues to flow through your veins like some nefarious protozoan, the best thing to do is to live by this one simple rule: Hold your breath and don’t touch anything—ever!
Todd Guill resides in Christiansburg, works in Roanoke, and dreams of leading the Jupiter colonization effort. He has written for Brick Weekly (Richmond) and The Winchester (Va.) Star.