A new year brings new promise. It also recycles old clichés, the preceding sentence being one of them. You understand how this works: “I resolve to lose weight, quit smoking, find a better job, be a better husband/wife, be a better father/mother, drink more lemonade, drink less whiskey, stop kicking cats, and be nicer to that neighbor across the street I dislike for no good reason other than that he wears Birkenstocks in the winter.”

I missed at least a thousand others, but you get the idea. At the advent of each year, millions of people resolve to do or not do millions of the same old things. Whether or not the ubiquitous success rate for these resolutions is nominal or off the charts is immaterial; it’s that, overall, they’re severely lacking in originality. (How come no one ever resolves to become a werewolf?)

Celebrities, on the other hand, don’t seem to have to contend themselves with such pedestrian resolution options, albeit no less clichéd. Theirs usually involve resolving to keep out of tabloids, staving off a third DUI charge in four days, or avoiding having a mental collapse of career-killing proportions on national television or YouTube. Actually, come to think of it, their resolve to ameliorate their lives isn’t all that different from ours. For example, who among us common folk hasn’t shaved “special parts,” immortalized them on film, and then posted to Perez Hilton’s Web site? Speak up, you glass house inhabitants.

So, in an attempt to avoid stereotype and shake up the celebrity resolution bag a bit this year, I have a few unconventional suggestions for some specific celebs that deviate from the traditional “I resolve to stop getting drunk in public” variety. Because for some repeat offenders, that’s what everyone expects and no one’s going to believe you anyway. An unorthodox approach to amending your transgressions might actually perk some people up and cause them to take you seriously. Hey, Paris Hilton had the right idea when she decided to atone for her boozy booboos by declaring herself the drunk elephant’s champion. It certainly got everyone’s attention. Therefore, I present some not-so-common resolutions for a handful of famous folk who found themselves on the wrong end of controversy this year. (Is there a right end?)

1. Lindsay Lohan: I would say Li-Lo could make up for all her alcohol-related snafus (and rehab-when-it’s-convenient stints) this past year by performing in an afterschool TV special called, “I Don’t Have a Problem, So Go F&%@!! Yourself,” in which Lohan plays not the title character, but a friendly neighborhood milk delivery truck driver with a heart of gold and nerves of steel. The problem is that doing so would require a minutia of acting talent on Ms. Lohan’s part (sorry, Freaky Friday fans—not good enough), and well, you can’t get blood from a turnip. So, instead, I think she should just become a milk delivery truck driver and mount a megaphone on top of her truck from which Lohan’s voice can be heard espousing the virtues of milk to the tune of her own “Rumors,” full phatt club remix, of course.

2. Keifer Sutherland: First off, less drinky and more thinky, Keifer. And with 24 production on indefinite hiatus due to the writers’ strike, you have a golden opportunity to redeem yourself from your multiple drunk driving infractions. You need to appear on the A&E documentary, Intervention, but—get this—as Jack Bauer. It’ll be great. The clock will start counting down and you and all your CTU buddies will race against time to try to stop yourself from doing anything stupid before a bomb goes off or terrorists attack an ABC store or whatever.

3. Britney Spears: To me, this is a no-brainer. She should volunteer multiple hours of her time at a beauty salon providing wax jobs or giving a haircut to anyone who enters asking to have her hair cut like Curly from The Three Stooges. The market for Three Stooges style hair is making a barnstorming comeback! Then, when it comes time for her to perform on stage again or shoot a music video, she should do something completely unexpected: wear clothes! Lots of them! In fact, I recommend a sports fleece and parachute pants.

Todd Guill watches nothing but reality television–because that’s all that is on right now.