“The constitutional freedom of religion is the most inalienable and sacred of all human rights.” — Thomas Jefferson

One morning in mid-September, Bill the Baptist wakes up, brushes his teeth, ties his shoes, rigs his F150 with explosives and drives through the wall of the local courthouse. Everyone in the courthouse is killed in the explosion. A decade later, someone proposes that a Baptist church be built two blocks away from where the old courthouse once stood.

You know what I’m getting at. If you aren’t aware that someone wants to build a mosque a few blocks away from where the Twin Towers—the Word Trade Center—once stood in New York City, then you’re even more averse to the news than I am.

Besides interviews with glum economists, the news dispenses daily reminders that many of my co-Americans are unwilling to accept that there is a difference between a Muslim and a terrorist. Let’s play a game of logic. If my sandwich is stolen, and editor Tim Jackson stole my sandwich, then all editors steal sandwiches and should be shot on sight at any participating Subway location. We can all agree that this is ludicrous, yes?

This is the same ludicrous argument behind the mosque crisis: There was a major terrorist act. Terrorists who were Muslim enacted the terrorist act. Therefore, all Muslims are terrorists. (In my mind’s eye, I can see Sarah Palin reading this and scratching her head.)

I didn’t quite finish my Bill the Baptist story. The last line is, “… and no one cared.” Obviously, Bill’s affiliation with the Baptist church had nothing to do with his being a murderous lunatic. Bill was an SOB who happened to be Baptist. Even if he drove his truck into the courthouse in God’s name, we wouldn’t blame Baptism (We don’t fault Christianity every time some dolt bombs an abortion clinic, do we?)

Even if Bill belonged to an organized group of Baptists terrorists, the Christian Rebels Against Homosexual People (or CRAHP), no one is going to care if a Baptist church is built nearby the site of Bill’s mass murder. Smokey the Bear says, “There are Muslims in America, and their churches are called mosques. Some of them believe that America is evil and are willing to fly planes into buildings, but if you think about it, some Christians believe that the American government is evil and are willing to fly planes into federal buildings! Only YOU can prevent bigotry!”

No one ever listens to Smokey. When president Obama upheld America’s freedom of religion in his reaction to the mosque, he was labeled a traitor to the American way. Wuzzuh-HUH? Since when does the Constitution only apply to Christians? Where’s the stipulation on that? Could you send me a copy on your official militia group stationary?

As if this wasn’t nonsense enough, Mr. Obama’s logical stance on this issue has given conspiracy nuts further “proof” that he’s an evil secret Muslin terrorist spy devil imposter anti-American communist socialist Nazi.

I’m going to keep running with the conspiracy nuts for the time being, OK? It’s a departure from the hot issue, I know, but I’m so fed up with conspiracy talk that I can’t even enjoy The X-Files anymore. Explain to me how, after a presidential background check conducted by trained investigators clears Obama to run for the presidency, paranoid schizophrenic “patriots” oust him as a foreign national? I’ll accept Megan Fox as a serious actress before I’ll trust a crazy woodland racist’s presidential biography.

I’ve lost patience with you, paranoid patriots. You’re all idiots—every sodding one of you. There is no anti-Christian conspiracy. Obama isn’t trying to turn “us” into “them.” The so-called evidence you’ve gathered proves nothing except that your brains are broken. Whenever your hard evidence is reviewed by someone with an inkling of common sense, you’re told that your “smoking gun” is nothing more than a piece of construction paper covered in crayon scribbles. You’ve got nothing, they say.
But you know the truth! You know a foreign birth certificate when you see one. Those so-called “experts” are in on Obama’s scheme! They’ve been brainwashed by liberal colleges and MTV to obey their socialist master! They’ve been programmed to use their book-learning to destroy the Word of the Almighty! You don’t need evidence to support what you know—you just know it!

Your one-eyed friend Stuttering Jack agrees with you, and he’s read the Old Testament front to back 11 times! He has Baby Jesus’ handprint tattooed on his beer gut; he knows an anti-American conspiracy when he half-sees one.

With that out of the way, we can return to our regularly scheduled foray into current events. People are offended because Muslims want to build mere blocks away from a place where, nearly a decade years ago, extremists did something terrible. The president upheld the laws of the land for people who weren’t Christians, and now everyone wants to cry and slam their fists down in outrage because—because Americans have rights? Pardon?

Ignore the people who weigh in on this issue with “but we lost someone we care about.” Lots of people did, and I find it appalling that people would use their deceased loved ones as ammunition in an argument that has nothing to do with terrorism and everything to do with prejudice. Tim ate my sandwich, but that doesn’t give me a right to judge editors as devious pickle thieves.

I say it again and again—I’ll push Moses off of the mountaintop and proclaim it if I have to: America has never been and will never be a Christian nation. The freedoms this country affords to Christians are also afforded to Muslims, atheists, homosexuals, mimes, and editors. Just build the damn mosque already. The “patriots” will find something new to whine about the next time the president is on TV and they’re again reminded that he isn’t white.

Charles Smith is a columnist for the New River Voice who really likes sandwiches. He’s indifferent on mosques. He would like to talk with you about his conspiracy regarding the death of John F. Kennedy via Cuba … Gooding Jr.