On Christmas Eve, the Senate passed its version of the health reform package that’s been the core topic of political conversation for the past year—you know, the health care package that no one actually understands, even the pundits and TV analysts who get paid to pretend otherwise.

Despite the prevalent “Huh?” the issue provokes nationwide, the issue has resulted in an American uproar. On account of no one having much of an idea of what they’re roaring about, it’s a stuttered roar, but since roaring is more volume than value, there’s roaring all the same.

Much ado about something-or-another: All the supposed facts aside, the panic surrounding health care reform is primarily the result of the most classic of cultural fears, that of change. We hate difference. Our faulty human wiring isn’t conducive to new habits or ideas. Alas, change happens anyhow, as has it always, and as will it always. Better buckle up, fearful comrades, ’cause 2010 is going to be constipated with change, and health care is only a single pickle among a full jar of vinegary snacks.

Many Americans, particularly members of that newfangled “Tea Party” group, are in a furor over the recently passed health care bill. On the other hand, some Americans believe it’s worth the economic risks to replace the dead puppy with a new one before the kids get home from school. Who’s right? As usual, neither side can lay claim to the doggy biscuit. The kids are going to know the old dog is gone, and they’re going to make those bothersome “crying” sounds. But they’re also going to have a new puppy, which means they’ll be making bothersome “happy” sounds in no time. Children and taxpayers alike have an attention span that very rarely exceeds 15 minutes.

I support the reform, and not because I think it’s going to “work,” whatever that means. I’m fully open to the possibility that this could be a huge blunder. The thing to remember is, this is only step one in the transition from broken old to shiny new. This pricey trick is bound to change positions a few times before we find the perfect angle. It’s an improvement over the old “position.” The old health care model stuck to missionary style . . . metaphorically speaking. Missionary health care was pretty plain in how it went about screwing us over. We could all use a repositioning of the legs . . . so to speak.

The old health care system had a bad HMO. After coming down with herpegonosyphilitus, it went to the ER and got second-rate medical care, which resulted in its agonizing death. Boo-hoo, sob sob. Color me bereaved. I won’t mourn for old health care. Old health care was a jerkface. We need a health care system that won’t stick its head in any old place just to make a bigger buck. Will new health care be any less of a jerkface than deceased health care? Maybe not, but the switch signals a welcome change of pace.

Insurance companies are unkind pimps. The U.S. government is also a pimp, mayhaps the most successful pimp in history. Shouldn’t we at least wait to see how this new pimp treats us before clinging to the parachute pants legs of the insurance companies? I vote “Yay.”

I cry your pardon for these fervent analogies; I’m more than a little caffeinated right now. What I’m getting at is, if I O.D. on Maxwell House dark roast and find myself at the hospital, my health care pimp is going to slap me around either way, whether it be via my medical bills or my taxes. Any given scenario in this particular Choose Your Own Adventure ends in a pimp-slap.

Health care reform may prove a terrible idea. Even if it does, I’m happy our government is having fresh ideas. When was the last time that happened?1776? I’d rather we institute and gradually improve a troubled reform than stand still with tiny replica flags in our hands, our thumbs up our keisters, and “America the Beautiful” beating tirelessly against our eardrums. At least this way we’re trying our cheeks against a new backhand. This new pimp of ours may not wear any rings. Bare knuckles could make a lot of difference come slappin’ time.

Ah, some of you likely want to berate me with facts right now! Tell me, kindly readers: Where does one acquire facts concerning the consequences of a system that has yet to take effect? Who actually understands all of the ins and outs of the reform package? Don’t raise your hand if you had a Glenn Beck or a Keith Olbermann explain it to you, because they don’t understand it, either. And don’t you dare hand me that “death panel” malarkey, because we all knew it was hogwash the second Sarah “Bridge to No Brain Stem” Palin opined on the subject.

The health care bill is as big as John Holmes’s . . . oeuvre. It’s had more work done than Jennifer Anniston’s nose. None of America’s pundits, nor its politicians, know what they’re babbling about. If the economists are split, then what can the talking heads possibly have to say on the subject? They can only share their fears and two cents, just as I’m doing here. No one knows how the economy will react in the long run until the long run runs out of breath and stops running.

Take a breather, folks; it’ll be alright. Change isn’t un-American. If change is un-American, then we’ve been on the wrong track for a long while now—since 1776. Blind resistance to change is the leading cause of stupidity worldwide.

Don’t you fret, Tea Party nuts! The stupidity certainly runs both ways. The health care bill is being touted as some kind of miracle solution to the deficit and all of the nation’s troubles. That’s every bit as silly as deeming it part of a socialist conspiracy. No, wait, it’s almost, but not quite, that silly. Some of your concerns have some weight. Bear in mind, though, that your concerns are only concerns. We won’t know what befalls us until we can look around and scope out what befell. Los sientos, instant tea drinkers! There’ll be no instant gratification with Glenn Beck’s economic apocalypse fantasies. We’re going to have to wait and see where this new system takes us.

There are going to be major problems. Aren’t there always problems? Ersatz reform is better than no reform at all. At this point, I’d take a doughnut with a hotdog pressed through the middle over the same old malarkey. Give me new malarkey, or give me hotdogs! Doughnuts! Even a pickle will suffice. Just give me something different for once, America.

Charles Smith is an award-winning columnist for the New River Voice. (Voice Editor Tim W. Jackson just now named Charles the Best New River Voice Columnist of 2009 !) Read Charles Snarls regularly at newrivervoice.com!