As a child of divorce, I know that the holiday season can be rough on all parties involved, especially that first Christmas. In movies and television, we always see excited children huddled around the Christmas tree, opening presents, while mom and dad sit on the couch together, just enjoying the moment they are sharing. However, this is not the reality for many families throughout the United States who are going through a divorce.

My mom and dad got divorced when I was only in the second grade; therefore, I did get to experience that feeling of “togetherness” for a couple of years before the eventual separate holidays began taking place. My parents were divorced in the spring, so I was actually used to the differences by the time Christmas came around. At eight years old, I was perfectly content having more than one Christmas celebration because this equated to more presents for yours truly. Being so young, I did not realize how this special holiday affected both of my parents.

Dad would pick me up on Christmas Eve and take me and my older brother over to our aunt’s house to celebrate Christmas with them. We had dinner, opened gifts, and then went to sleep, just like any other family would do. But when we woke up, we did not go downstairs and sit under the Christmas tree, waiting for mom and dad to give us the signal to commence the unwrapping of the presents.

Instead, we would gather up our belongings and begin the one hour drive back to my mom’s house where the second celebration would begin. My dad would help us take our things inside, say “Merry Christmas” to my mom, and then he would leave. After his departure we would rush through breakfast so that we could open the gifts our mom, or Santa, had put under the tree. From there, we made our way down the road to see my grandparents and have yet another Christmas celebration. When the holiday was finally complete, my eight-year-old body was not exhausted from the excitement of the season, but from the travel I endured.

I know that every family has different traditions and customs when it comes to the holiday season, but I believe my family resembles one that many can relate to in some way. Christmas does not have to come to a complete halt just because of divorce, but it will change the dynamic of the way your family will spend the holiday season.

Throughout this article, you will find helpful tactics from professionals that you can implement in your own life if you are struggling with divorce during the holidays. Carleton Kendrick of familyeducation.com offers this advice to parents when talking with their children about the divorce during Christmas:

• Show them you understand their feelings and worries.
• Offer them encouraging words.
• Be cordial with your ex over the holidays.
• Talk with your ex about gifts so your children won’t be overindulged or let down.
• Ask them how they would prefer to celebrate the holidays.
• Create new holiday traditions.
• Keep all extended family involved during the holidays in some way.
• If you are comfortable, help your children pick out a gift for your ex.

Brette Sember of womansdivorce.com adds to Kendrick’s advice by incorporating what the parent should do for their children during the holidays, as well as themselves:

• Consider holidays together – If you find that you can spend the holidays (or the first couple of holidays) with your ex, this could be beneficial to the children.
• Touch base – You need to have some kind of contact with your child during the holiday, whether it is by phone or by making a personal appearance. It is important to communicate with them so that your child can cope with the situation, and you can settle your own feelings of loneliness.
• Make plans for yourself – You must plan ahead for the holiday season without your child. Spend time with friends or even just wrap the presents that you bought so that you are occupying your time in some way.
• Think about what you want – Are there things you have always wanted to do during the holiday, but have never had the chance to?

Joanie Winberg, founder of the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children, provides five tips for women on what not to do after a divorce during Christmas:

1. Don’t let your mind work overtime – Don’t ask “what if.” Just reflect on your contributions to others.
2. Don’t isolate yourself – Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.
3. Don’t beat yourself up – Don’t give in to the feeling of “I’m not good enough.”  Prepare to launch new intentions for your life.
4. Don’t let bitterness take over – Turn your energy towards your future.
5. Don’t ignore your intuition – Emotions run high during the holiday season and you should be patient with your decisions.

There are many people’s feelings to take into account when dealing with divorce. As a child, I tended to lean towards how I personally felt about the situation and did not take other’s feelings into consideration. When I began to mature, I could not help but think about how my mom must have felt being all alone on Christmas Eve, while I enjoyed myself at my dad’s house. My guilt used to eat away at me. I later learned that she and one of her other divorced friends used to attend the movies on Christmas Eve, which relieved me somewhat.

But what about Christmas Day? Sure, my dad had spent time with us for a couple of hours the night before, but all of a sudden we just drop him like a ten-pound hammer on my mom’s doorstep! I could not help but to think what was racing through my dad’s mind as he made his hour-long journey back to his house. Again, I felt guilty.

However, everything does get better with time and age. My mom re-married, therefore she was not alone; and my dad began spending more time with my mom during the holiday season and vice-versa.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is no true right or wrong way to celebrate the holidays while going though a divorce. Children get used to certain routines or rituals, some of which may be hard to break, but that should not stop the parents from establishing new traditions. There is no way to control how kids are going to feel about the whole situation, but you can still help facilitate their needs and wants. As someone who is divorced, whether you are a parent or not, it is important to take care of yourself during the holiday season as well.

Just remember: You are not the only one who has gone or will go through this very common circumstance. Rely on loved ones to make it through the holiday, and soon you will not be focusing on the divorce, but on the Christmas season itself.

Josh Nash is an intern for the New River Voice.