Few things make me cringe like talk of turning America into a “Christian nation.” Each time I hear that moronic term I want to exfoliate using white-hot coals.
In this installment of Charles Snarls: Why America has never been and must never be a Christian nation, and why attempting to make it so defeats the purpose of America in the first place.
Our first order of business demands that we travel back to the 18th century, back when people wore stupid wigs, filth was the fad, and a certain English colony decided they’d had their fill of English persecution.
In a move as controversial as Michael Jordan’s ill-fated turn as a professional baseball player, American colonists rebelled and founded their own nation, one that allowed religious and secular freedom the likes of which had never been granted in the land of tea time and crumpets.
In school, we’re often taught that our founding fathers were righteous lads who believed in fostering a true Christian nation. One word, three syllables: MA-LAR-KEY. As I discussed in a previous Snarl, though the Founding Fathers believed Americans should be allowed to worship God however they saw fit, they weren’t exactly acting out of divine guidance. The truth is, privately, many of the Founding Fathers didn’t even believe in God at all.
Take this quote from Thomas Jefferson, for example: “I have examined all the known superstitions of the Word, and I do not find in our particular superstition of Christianity one redeeming feature. They are all alike, founded on fables and mythology.” Say, that doesn’t sound very Christian, does it?
How did our first president, George Washington, weigh in on the subject? Like this: “Let us with caution indulge the supposition, that morality can be maintained without religions.” Tamer, yes, but the implication is that we don’t need religion. Our first president wasn’t sold on the idea of a Christian nation! Oh, heavens no—someone call the 700 Club!
The Founding Fathers have since achieved a bum rap as Christian revolutionaries. If Patrick Henry came back to life and heard someone say “We need this to be a Christian nation, like the Founding Fathers intended,” he’d likely down a handle of Drano and go back to sleep.
The point of America was to separate religion from the government. Thanks to secularism, America should never fall under the delusional rule of the likes of Akhenaton, Egyptian pharaoh and notable lunatic.
Akhenaton should be the poster child for secularism. Akhenaton thought he was a god, so he ordered that he be worshipped as such. When he died, everyone forgot him because he sucked—not unlike Mr. Jerkface Jerry Falwell.
Falwell, too, deserves to be a mascot for separating church and state. Falwell’s legacy is either that of a fearless Christian crusader or a colossal, hatemongering douchebag. It depends on your outlook, I guess. Perhaps I’d have also seen Satan’s face in those sad September clouds if I, too, suffered from a terrible case of the Crazies.
This great nation was granted religious freedom by deists and atheists. That’s right, Bible-boppers: your religious rights come courtesy of people who didn’t believe in exactly what you believe. They also initiated that whole “separation of church and state” thing that you’re so desperate to get around. How do them secular apples taste? Are they green apples? Are they tart?
Speaking of vilification, there’s the matter of alternate beliefs we must address. If America were to become a Christian nation, what about all of the Jewish, Muslim, and Pagan people out there?
I don’t buy Paganism or Wicca any more than I do the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but one religion is as sound as the next, so long as no one’s being flayed alive or molesterized. Would religious deviants be forced to pack up and leave a Christian nation? Would Jewish children have to pray to Jesus the Savior in school, whether they like it or not? And who’s to say we don’t all die and find ourselves at the judgment seat of a bowl of meatball-laden pasta?
I have no gripe with sensible Christians. I jive with the teachings of that Jesus bloke, because they’re in line with what most other religions say. Don’t kill, don’t rape, and leave other people’s stuff alone. I know and respect a number of Christians.
Yet, due to the sub-moronic absolutism of diehard conservatives who want to turn America into an impossible moral paradise, I can’t help but nod when I think of Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic’s remark that “Nazis are better than Christians, because they at least acknowledge that they’re an organized hate group.” Seriously, protesting abortion clinics? Ridiculing homosexuals during church services? What a load. Yeah, God just loves it when ministers look down on non-Christians. Isn’t looking down on others tantamount to criticizing the G-man’s work?
Fortunately, there’ll never be a Christian nation. I’m certain of it. I’m actually comforted by the news of all of these Christ-invoking, self-proclaimed “righteous” Republican politicians who’ve been caught cavorting with prostitutes, mistresses, and cup-bearing Trojan princes.
It reminds me that “moral America” is a fairy tale. Sure, the Democrats philander too, but the conservatives pretend they’re moral beacons. They’ll vote against gay marriage because “it’s a sin,” but two months later they’re caught in a supply closet struggling with a transvestite’s brassiere.
Nope—no Christian nation here. America’s too much of a melting pot for that to happen. If the Catholics and the Protestants still can’t see eye to eye, what hope do the Methodists and the Hindus have?
On the off chance that America ever does change its name to “Jesus Land,” I’m moving to the fifth dimension, where there are no Christians, only cute, goth Jewish girls who perform hot Wiccan orgies in hummus underneath a giant, fully decorated X-Mas tree. Say it with me, brothers and sisters: Allelu-Yeah!
New River Voice columnist Charles Smith is a devotee of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He enjoys his religion with a side of buttery garlic bread.
18 responses so far ↓
1 Rick // Jul 23, 2009 at 12:17 pm
If the founding fathers had no religion to speak of when they died, I’m fairly certain their corpses were baptized later. Probably several times.
2 John the Non-Baptist // Jul 24, 2009 at 6:48 am
Great article, Charles. Thanks for once again speaking the Truth!
3 DA // Jul 24, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Amen, Charles!
4 Pat Woodruff // Jul 25, 2009 at 10:56 am
You can’t get much more clear than this:
“As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion,-as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen…”
Treaty Of Tripoli, Article 11
A 1797 treaty between the United States of America and the Bey and Subjects of Tripoli of Barbary, ratified by the US Congress and signed by President John Adams.
For lots more on this, check out:
http://bmccreations.com/one_nation/nation.html
5 James // Jul 27, 2009 at 12:41 pm
As usual, those who “claim” objectivity conveniently leave out very important information at odds with their secular views, including the Constitution, the Magna Carta, the writings of George Washingto, Abraham Lincoln, not to mention the 10 Commandments engraved on the walls and entrances to buildings in the capitol, including the Supreme Court. Freedom of religion does not mean freedom from religion. As a historian and teacher of American history, I am appalled by your apparent supeficial understanding of our history, masquerading as intellectual thought. Historical analysis requires consideration for all facts, not just a select few.
6 The Man Who Snarls // Jul 27, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Meh. I’m also appalled. How can a historian such as yourself believe that there is such a thing as “consideration for all facts”? The world doesn’t work that way, friend.
There were religious historical figures. There were historical figures who thought that Christianity was a big joke. Same as always.
And, as for Lincoln and history: there’s also (unconvincing) evidence that Lincoln had a boyfriend (Jonathan Ned Katz, published historian). The facts support what we want them to support. Again: same as always.
7 Rick // Jul 28, 2009 at 10:45 am
Well, James did admit that he’s a teacher …
8 Informed Professor // Jul 28, 2009 at 12:39 pm
The search for truth always involves an intentional search of the facts, regardless of where they lead. My point is that one can no more reach the conclusion that America was not founded on Christian values based on the information shared by The Man Who Snarls any more than you would conclude the opposite just based on the few examples I shared. Credible analysis involves sharing the reality that both views are supported in historical documents. Much of what has been lost in our culture is the willingness to search, discuss, and consider information not just as a means to “win an argument” or to push a “personal agenda,” but as a way of thinking that leads to a more complete and accurate understanding of others.
9 The Man Who Snarls // Jul 28, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Yeah, so, try as I might, I can’t make sense of your argument. You go from explaining I’m wrong simply because some historical figures were religious to lamenting how people think and evaluate information in our culture. You made a broad jump there, paisano. I suspect that, behind all of this talk of “facts” and the like, this is actually a matter of conflicting worldviews. You want to support the idea of a Christian America, whereas I want to sucker punch it–y’know, make sure Jesus stays outside of the classrooms and public buildings, where he belongs. I don’t think there’s any merit in arguing about facts, not when history, the facts, can support both of us.
10 The Man Who Snarls // Jul 29, 2009 at 11:11 am
I didn’t read enough of the comments before I wrote that last response. Sorry, folks; this week has been really rough. Ignore my nonsensical replies. I need a siesta.
11 Resii // Aug 20, 2009 at 1:03 pm
“My point is that one can no more reach the conclusion that America was not founded on Christian values based on the information shared by The Man Who Snarls any more than you would conclude the opposite just based on the few examples I shared. Credible analysis involves sharing the reality that both views are supported in historical documents”
This is why this is an OPINION piece
12 Resii // Aug 20, 2009 at 1:05 pm
He is not trying to put forth an historical paper, full of detailed analyses and workups, he is just stating his opinion on what he knows, not trying to shove a view down throats.
13 The Man Who Snarls // Aug 20, 2009 at 2:49 pm
My hero! *swoons*
Yeah… I’ve been at work entirely too long today.
14 Screw it, I give up // Aug 25, 2009 at 2:54 pm
“Akhenaton, Egyptian pharaoh and notable lunatic.
Akhenaton should be the poster child for secularism. Akhenaton thought he was a god, so he ordered that he be worshipped as such. When he died, everyone forgot him because he sucked—not unlike Mr. Jerkface Jerry Falwell.”
Akhenaton (the accepted spelling) systematically challenged the previously existing religious power structure and radically changed the face and substance of ancient Egyptian religion. Traditionally, historians have posited that he took a polytheistic religion where the priests had a lot of influence and uprooted it, planting in its place a pseudo-monotheistic sun god cult, thus leaving a power vacuum where the formerly powerful priests once held sway. Recently, scholars have begun debating the extent to which he undermined traditional Egyptian religion. Some believe that these changes weren’t forced on his populace at all. As far as his claim to be a god goes, this was common among ALL ancient Egyptian rulers as they were generally considered to be sons of Ra and/or another god.
He was forgotten because in the decades after his death succeeding rulers defaced his statues, chiseled out his name from inscriptions, and tore down his monuments to use the building materials for their own projects. The influence of the priesthood was restored. He has been called “the heretic king” because of his changes to traditional Egyptian religion.
As far as your depiction of him as a “lunatic” goes, I can see how it’s useful for your arguement but I doubt it has little basis in any concrete fact. To the contrary, the historian H.R. Hall has called him the “first example of the scientific mind.”
To suggest that he was the only exception to an imagined line of secular Egyptian kings is worthy of ridicule. Ancient Egypt was never a secular state and always had a state-sponsored religion.
15 The Man Who Snarls // Aug 25, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Hitler invented our modern highway system.
It furthers my point just fine, thanks
16 chuck // Nov 5, 2009 at 8:08 am
Much ado about nothing…..the ppoint is,this is the one country you can come to and be who you want to be (muslim,christian etc.)…that came about by following god’s principles when we set up our laws…I challenge you to be a christian in say Iran?…its not important you be a christian…just live in a country where you could be if you wanted to,because throughout history it has always been the christians and jews who get slaughtered….THAT is what is meant by “christian nation”…Freedom !!
17 The Man Who Snarls // Nov 5, 2009 at 1:30 pm
No. “Christian nation” refers to a particular religion attributed to the entire country. To suggest otherwise is absurd–it’s like saying that the term “red hot” no longer means ‘very hot’ because it suits your point.
Come back to the table when you’ve learned to think.
18 Rebekah Lewis // Nov 5, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Very interesting article, Charles. I appreciate your sense of humor and wit. I grew up believing that the Founding Fathers were all devout Christians only to find out later that was a bunch of bologna. Of course there were some who were Christians along with others who in some way valued the Bible as evidenced by the many references to scripture in many of our federal buildings. However, many were deists or agnostics at most and it is simply a lie to say that they were all devout Christians as so many people still teach today. Thanks for pointing out the fallacy there. I don’t know that I will ever be able to identify with any official religion that exists in this world, though I do believe certain things very strongly. Therefore, I value the fact that this nation is NOT Christian, Islamic, Jewish, Pagan, or anything else. It is a nation in which you can believe whatever the heck you want to believe, no matter how absurd or ridiculous anyone else may think your beliefs are. Anyone who thinks that America should be for Christians only should consider how dangerous that philosophy is by observing certain Middle Eastern nations that allow only Islam.
Leave a Comment