The truce is over, Palin. You can gripe about Letterman’s potty mouth, and you can promulgate whatever half-baked ideas about morality that you want. You start threatening the press with lawsuits, though, and you’re in my figurative crapper. And I’ll tell you something about my figurative crapper: It smells bad in there, Sarah. It smells real bad.

You’re quitting your job as governor to devote more time to your other profession, being a media darling. Like Paris Hilton, you’ve become a celebrity for the sake of being a celebrity. Only, Paris has humility. Paris gets bad PR and rolls with it. “There is no such thing as bad press”… that is, unless you’re under the delusion that you’re going to be the new face of the fun-lovin’ Republican party.

Congratulations! You may have already succeeded in that aspiration, you sodding narcissist. You’re very likely the most recognizable Republican in the country. Unfortunately, your aggressive response to your recent bad press is itself crazy bad press. You’re writing responses on Facebook, for Christ’s sake. Do you really think they’re going to let you eat at the big kid’s table? Only because all they have left right now is scraps, Sarah—scraps.

In the past, I’ve played nice. I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt. I felt for you during the Presidential race, even when your political beliefs perplexed me. Your stance on abstinence-only education? You may as well have been tickling my feet. Your inability to outfox “the Man with Satan’s smile,” Joe Biden, in the Vice Presidential debate? Gee-golly-gosh, what a slip. Still, I considered you the victim of a media blitz. You were the fall gal for John McCain’s doomed campaign. Political leanings aside, I considered you the victim of circumstance and an especially vicious liberal media.

The climate has changed, Sarah Palin. As you can see, those yesterday sympathies are being purged in a violent fit of Free Speech diarrhea.

It was one thing to defend your daughter following the Letterman incident, even if your response was more inane than that episode of Saved By the Bell where Slater narrowly avoids an emotional breakdown following the death of his pet lizard. Family was involved, so I tried to be understanding. This time, though—this time, you’ve really outdone yourself. You don’t like your media coverage, so you’re threatening to sue, sue, sue your way to a better public image. Even A.C. Slater’s lizard thinks you’re full of bologna now, and he’s a lizard. And dead. And fictional. Nice job, hotshot.

Since when is making a big ballyhoo the appropriate response to false press? If you’d ignored those allegations that you resigned because of corruption charges, the media and bloggers that published those allegations would’ve looked stupid. Instead, you have to go all Tom Cruise and threaten legal action.

Do you really think this is going to make the American public think you’re tough? You’d have been better off starring in a Michael Bay remake of Cool Hand Luke. What’s actually being communicated is that you have a fragile ego. Moreover, you’re showing us that you’re not a big fan of Freedom of Press. Ever hear of the U.S. Constitution? The Bill of Rights? You should read them sometime. At the very least, they could help you concoct better Facebook or Myspace blogs.

You’ve earned a shot at a rare distinction, Mrs. Palin. I hereby name you my nominee for the biggest dolt in politics. That’s quite a distinction. Lately, you make G.W. Bush look like a rocket scientist. Your fame has gone to your head. You’ve resigned from your real job, you’re threatening talk show hosts and bloggers with lawsuits, and you’ve inspired a best-selling Halloween costume. Are you digging all that fame and fanfare, Sarah? Thanks to your greed, the term “lipstick on a pig” can take on an entirely new meaning, one that has nothing to do with your gender.

Uh-oh! I just wrote negatively about you, Palin. Should I consider myself sued?

Charles Smith is a columnist for the New River Voice who regularly puts lipstick on pigs. He says he likes to “purty ‘em up!”