I tried not to weigh in on this one. I really did. But like Garfield to lasagna, I couldn’t not devour it.

When I caught wind of the story—that David Letterman had made disparaging comments about Sarah Palin’s daughter being knocked up by a baseball star—my initial response was mixed. I avoided the details. I knew it was going to throw me up on my politico-celebrity soapbox. I avoided the story until now, when I consulted the world’s newest and most powerful god, Google, for a straight answer. From those answers, I devised opinions. I’m going to share those opinions, because that’s what loudmouthed blokes with columns do.

First, the recap: David Letterman made a couple of jokes about Bristol Palin getting knocked up by Alex Rodriguez in the seventh inning. Later in the week, Dave made a second joke, this time about Palin keeping her daughter away from former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer.

Poor taste? Yes. Do I feel for the Palin household? Sure. That’s the hard part about being a public figure. When you become a household name, you lose your right to privacy. Once you’re getting high-dollar job offers, appearing internationally in publications and television sets, no one has to respect you anymore. In fact, they’ll disrespect you just because they can. And, for the record: If someone said those things about my daughter, I’d be livid, too.

Both Palin and her husband weighed in on the issue on Facebook. Yeah, Facebook. Sarah’s response included the following blurb: “…acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone’s daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others.”

There are two problems with this response. Firstly, Palin is insinuating that Letterman was referring to her 14-year-old daughter. Letterman never specified which daughter was the target of the joke, but given that her 18-year-old daughter has a babeh, I’d wager the joke was likely geared toward the older of the two. Secondly, why is Palin trying to build Letterman into a straw man? That “sexual exploitation” angle is a bit much. This leads me to problem number three. (Yes, there’s a three.) The footprints of GOP writers are all over the statement. I don’t think Palin wrote her response on her own. I don’t know that she wrote it at all. You can’t spell “fallacy” without “P-O-L-I-T-I-C-A-L-W-R-I-T-E-R-S.”

Palin’s husband also weighed in on Facebook, somehow pulling a rape reference out of the jokes. Was there a rape reference there? If there was, I didn’t catch it. I suppose he could’ve been referring to statutory rape. Except that Bristol is 18.

Regardless of my conservo-bashing and wild speculations, I’m willing to give the Palins the benefit of the doubt. Their daughter was smeared on national television. I imagine they only made matters worse for the girls by adding to the media frenzy, but I’m overlooking that, too—angry parents post angry blogs. I’ve done some angry blogging in my day, and I don’t even have kids.

I can’t say much about the Palins, even if I am willing to wager there were  GOP PR hands all over those responses. However, I can send an almighty snarl toward the conservative media for being self-righteous hypocrites.

I get my news from Google. Google collates news from multiple sources, which often presents multiple angles of the same story. FOX News is, of course, running wild with the story. They’re taking the family-friendly approach, lambasting Letterman for his obscenity and behaving as though there’s a massive outcry for the man to be axed.

Say—wasn’t FOX News a major contributor to the whole “Obama is anti-America” malarkey that arose during campaign season? How do you go from calling a man a terrorist and a Socialist devil on the news, and then condemning a joke about a politician’s daughter on a comedy show? Just shut up, FOX News. No one with common sense listens to you, anyway.

While plenty of people were riled up by Letterman’s cruel jokes, the media is playing the issue. CNN reports that a protest rally to have Letterman fired attracted 35 media representatives and all of 15 protesters. The jokes were in poor taste, but so is the bloody carnival it’s inspired. The conservative media is playing opportunist. I find that more disgusting than Dave’s comments.

Why am I partial to Dave? Am I a Late Show fan? Hardly. I’ve never liked Letterman. I’ve never found the man funny. The jokes weren’t worth the trouble they’ve caused. No—I’m partial to Dave because he’s a comedian making fun of a celebrity, and that’s how the system works.

A comedian renowned for his poor taste made a nasty comment about Sarah Palin’s daughter. Boo-hoo-hoo-blabbity-WAAH. He’s not the first. He won’t be the last. People who don’t have their own talk show have said a lot worse about Palin’s daughters. With their faces plastered all over the Internet and television screens, how many high school boys do you think have remarked obscene equivalents to, “I’d hit that?” (My guess is at least 1 million seeing as how high school boys are willing to “hit” and boast about the desire to “hit” anything with a sex organ.)

A few months back, I was defending Sarah Palin’s intelligence—I do think the liberal media exaggerated her naiveté. However, if she’s dumb enough to believe that she can have her cake and eat it too, then maybe she is that dense. The media is vicious. Palin knew that going in. Dirt is dirt, as far as a reporter is concerned. When Palin made the decision to run for Vice President, she surrendered her family’s privacy. It’s part of the deal these days.

The only sympathy I have is for Palin’s daughter. So she had a kid out of wedlock! Big deal. I think Dave and Sarah owe Bristol an apology, as does every news outlet that’s perpetuating this sorry affair. So do I, come to think of it—because I’m fanning the fire by writing this column.

I’m sorry, Bristol; may this mess blow over soon.

Unfortunately, when you decide to enter entertainment and politics—not to distinguish the two, because really, what’s the point?—you surrender both your and your family’s rights to privacy. You want to shield your family from the late night talk show hosts? Stay away from the camera.

Charles Smith is a regular columnist for the New River Voice and is jealous that no talk show hosts have made tasteless sex jokes about him.