Last night, I watched the VP debate with a terrific day and a couple of brewskies weighing on my judgment. As a result, I came away feeling chipper about both candidates, and nary a bit cynical. Sure, Biden’s teeth bothered me, but in my previous assessment of the match-up, I gave props to both for jobs well done.

It’s 4 a.m., and I just woke up rehashing the debate in my normal, more cynical mindset. Now that I’m seeing things more clearly—more as I normally would—I can’t sleep until I re-realize my reactions.

Nothing was said last night. Both VP candidates sounded like infomercial spokespeople selling a useless product they don’t even use—namely, their running mates. Facts were dodged, half-baked dodges were made to uncomfortable questions, and fake teeth and everyman appeals were kicked around like a bailout bill across the House floor. In particular, what chapped my ass:

1. Biden:

My more accepting mindset last night allowed me to take his choked sob at face value. Clearly, optimism is a wool that covers the eyes, one that must be set aflame and cast to the bottom of the Mariana Trench. As I lay in bed 10 minutes ago, struggling to get these phonies out of my head so I could sleep, I found myself trying to wrap my now-cynical brain around the moment. And then it came to me: it wasn’t fake, and it wasn’t rehearsed. No, it was a readymade.

When asked to cry for an emotional scene, many actors employ a method that has them call up painful episodes to stimulate the physical sorrow response. To Biden’s credit, I’ll declare that there’s little worse in this world than having your family destroyed by a car crash. However, Biden is an old dog. He knows his buttons, and I think he pushed them intentionally. While I don’t think the moment was “faked” or “rehearsed,” it was most certainly an intentional exploitation of emotion. It’s shady, but the kind of shady that a wise old snake would employ. Or Sean Penn. But this isn’t that crapfest Mystic River—this is a bloody debate—and bollocks to Sean Penn, anyway.Biden’s teeth are the stuff nightmares are made of. He showed some nasty, time-tested debate skills, best exemplified by his bat-out-of-hell “bridge to nowhere” remark. It was snarky and unfair, but Jesus Christ, I laughed in spite of myself. The audience laughed. The mod laughed. I think Palin even laughed a little, as did her infant granddaughter. Biden has Satan’s grin and an old man’s manipulation-savviness:

BIDEN: Barack Obama is the greatest, most awesomenest candidate in the world. Barack Obama is much cooler and wise than my bosom buddy John McCain, good man. It reminds me of how poor I was growing up [SOB] and how funny it is that there’s a bridge to nowhere, and that McCain is driving a $700 billion dollar car across it right now. Barack Obama. I like saying Barack Obama. Don’t you?

2. Palin:

I don’t know that I’ve ever seen anyone, politicians included, try so terribly hard to appear as an everyman. Palin pushed the maverick/homemaker/straighttalker card to the point that she won’t need Tina Fey to satirize her anymore; she’s doing it all on her own.Here’s an amalgamation of last night’s episode of Sarah Palin: Small Town Maverick Hero for Hire:

PALIN: I don’t know how you do things in Washington, Mr. Biden, because I am an outsider. You Washington politicians, you play a mean game of dodging the issues and doubling back on votes, but me, I’m a maverick. I scowl and drink six-packs of beer. I’m a mother. I have gay friends, and I tolerate them. John McCain is a golden god; if you rub his belly, gold will fall out of his mouth and the angels will sing a resonant song. Have I mentioned how much of a mother and an everyman I am? Oh, and an outsider. I’m definitely an outsider.

Okay, so let’s take a look at this before we burst out in laughter. Sarah Palin, a millionaire and Republican VP hopeful, a Washington politician in her own right, expects me to believe that she can portray a single, working-class mother in a small town. Worst. Lifetime movie. Ever. Palin isn’t an average citizen. How many times did she bring up the various political beliefs of her family and her “gay friends”? The implied gay friends bit was my favorite:

PALIN: I have friends of different lifestyles. [smiles.] We don’t agree on certain things, but they’re friends. Very dear friends. And I tolerate them. I have friends and I tolerate them.

This was my L-O-effing-L debate moment—I could barely tolerate this bit enough to contain my laughter! Palin’s gay “friends” are no doubt hanging from the rafters right now. Yeah, I buy Sarah Palin watching Sex and the City with her friends, who she tolerates, as she drinks Bud Light and complains about Wal-Mart’s crappy selection but unfortunately low prices. I especially liked how she lumped herself into the middle class. Palin, a small-town mom, struggling to make ends meet? I’d be more inclined to believe Donald Duck as a spiritually troubled middle-school teacher with a secret drug habit.

One thing I couldn’t figure until this morning is why old man/purveyor of demonic charm Biden made a point to talk about living in a luxurious home and having lots of money compared to most Americans. I realized this morning that he was making a sly attack on Palin, whose stance of “LOOK AT ME! I’M JUST LIKE YOU!” made her vulnerable because it sucked. Of course, in employing this method, Biden gave himself an opportunity to talk about himself—and thus to cry over how oh-so tortured he is. He played the “American Dream” card, and yeah, he can do that, because his is a classic success story—but when he milks it like that, it’s just plain obnoxious. Conversely, Sarah “moneybags” Palin pretending to be down-to-earth is funnier than the Chris Rock-as-God comedy Down to Earth.Our VPs are bad actors. Biden has the facade of a veteran loan-shark, while Sarah Palin has the everyman appeal of Ted Turner at an international caviar festival.

Here’s an idea, Palin: let’s have a PBR drinking contest. I’ll win. Loser has to stand next to creepy Biden for an hour.

Charles Smith is apparently even snarlier in the wee hours.