In the relatively obscure 1992 film Dolly Dearest, the family Wade is terrorized by a possessed doll. Thanks to Dolly’s evil influence, little Jessica becomes an unruly, disrespectful whippersnapper.

Hold on, I’m going somewhere with this. Seriously.

Jessica’s mother, Marilyn, discovers the cause of Jessica’s sudden transformation from lass to crass. Marilyn blames the devil, but that’s what all bad parents seem to do these days, isn’t it? The devil didn’t give Dolly to Jessica. The true culprits are Jessica Wade’s parents, who awarded their daughter a toy unfit for a girl her age.

Granted, not every doll is possessed with the spirit of Satan. But had Jessica’s parents reviewed the dolly before giving it to their daughter, they would have prevented a few semi-grisly murders, and—more importantly—Jessica’s insubordination.

Watch out, I’m segueing. Those Grand Theft Auto games sure are fun, aren’t they? You get to go around shooting innocent bystanders, carjacking, and picking up prostitutes. (Game tip: Bludgeon your prostitute to death after all services have been rendered for an instant rebate!) Would you buy a GTA game for your son, daughter, or dumb nephew? What if all their friends have it, and they cry really hard when you use a certain terrible, two-letter word?

Marilyn didn’t inspect Dolly because, at a cursory glance, the toy appeared to be just a toy. She and the rest of the family Wade had no idea they were in a third-rate Child’s Play knockoff. To parents and grandparents who know diddly-squat about videogames, Grand Theft Auto is just another 3-D eyesore to keep the rugrats quiet and drooling. This attitude makes it easy for scamps all over the globe to access some hardcore adult material.

The devil isn’t in video games, but adult content is. Like Dolly’s influence on Jessica Wade, exposure to violent video games or movies at an early age can promote in your child a casual disregard for human life. I say some because many children know enough about right and wrong to know instinctively that killing hookers for the hell of it isn’t good karma. Other children, however, jump on their siblings’ heads after playing Super Mario Bros.

Some parents would blame the existence of violent media for the behavior of their dumb, impressionable kids. Fiddlesticks. I enjoy viewing violent films and games, as do most adults these days. On-screen mayhem provides us with a release our ancestors didn’t have. My great-grandfather got drunk and beat his wife when he got angry; I drink hot chocolate and play Mortal Kombat. Unlike Dolly, adult media isn’t imbued with Satan-magic.

Parents can’t keep track of their children all the time. Kids are going to be exposed to a bevy of inappropriate material in and away from home. This still doesn’t justify blaming the media for your bad seeds. What good parents do is talk to their children about what’s right and wrong, explaining why movies like Dolly Dearest are better suited for older, dumber people like me. Kids like explanations; it’s how they learn. Lay down the rules, but also explain them. That way, when the chaps defy your censorship, they’ll understand why you’re not as cool as their friends’ negligent parents.

It takes demonic possession for Marilyn Wade to assume responsibility for her daughter’s delinquency. In her most dramatic scene, Marilyn vows to win her daughter back from adult content: “I am not losing my daughter to a God-damned, 900-year-old goat head!”

Don’t lose your children to 900-year-old goat heads. Keep them as innocent as modern times will allow, which pretty much means locking the porno and ’80s Chuck Norris flicks in a cabinet. If they break in and get an eyeful of that brutal fight sequence at the beginning of the otherwise forgettable Hero and the Terror, take it in stride. You did your part.

I’d like to note in closing that I am not a parent, know nothing about parenting, and do not plan on ever being a parent. I do, however, have a column in the New River Voice, which allows me to write whatever malarkey I want, so long as editor and 900-year-old goat head Tim Jackson is pleased. And thanks to a recent animal sacrifice, I think I’m set for this week.

Charles Smith is a native of Southwest Virginia and may be possessed. He will be happy to babysit your kids.